Sunny Days

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Sunny days are my favorite kind of day followed closely behind by rainy, fall days. This particular day just happened to be right after the photos I took for my sister. My mom tagged along the engagement shoot with my little in tow. Once finished the three of us headed to a field outside a small airport nearby to watch the planes come in. I just love having new experiences with this boy. Slides, swings, planes and dirt; he is equally captivated.

Working from home, is the best scenario I could possibly have. The thing though, is that I’m home. A lot. While B does great playing on his own while mommy works, I get frustrated that he is stuck in the house and not exposed to enough adventure. My mom always instilled that in us. The stopping for the little things. The finding fun in mundane. Antique shops, tourist attractions, and driving down dirt roads just to see where it ends up. I’ve lived in Tulsa my whole life, but it is so fun experiencing it in a whole new way through Beckett’s tiny perspective. I love capturing the little moments and carving out time to find our own adventures.

On Being an Amatuer Photographer…

I don’t even remotely consider myself a photographer. Not even an amateur. I’m just a person holding a camera.
Lately, my sister found her self getting stuck in the wedding vacuum of “To do this, I need to do this first and before that, I really need to do this.” And that can keep going around and around. Specifically, her save the dates. Not wanting to spend hundreds of dollars on a photographer, she asked if I could snap them for her. So then we scheduled a date, then REscheduled a date and scheduled it yet again until one sunny Sunday afternoon we magically found the three of us together and decided to run to a nearby park to take the much talked about pictures. No fancy wardrobe, costume changes, special effects makeup or pageant hair. Just two people in love and a third wheel with a fully charged camera and empty memory card. Go.

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This last picture won first prize for the save the dates. Freaking supermodels. In fact, my sister used to actually model. AND she’s tall, about 5’8″, which tells you that her fiancé is pretty tall too at 6’6″. She spent three months in Tokyo a couple years back before deciding modeling just wasn’t her thing. Now, it’s up to me to get the cards designed and printed no pressure.

I just had two other photo shoots I was booked for. All completely random, out of the blue and unrelated to each other. One was a newborn shoot that I have to finish editing and another engagement session scheduled for tomorrow. I’m an invitation designer, not a photographer. I have to keep telling them “You know I’m not a professional photographer, right?” and “Don’t expect professional photographer results, okay?” Way to self myself, right?!?! They all still said yes, despite me warning them otherwise.

My Master Bedroom

I’ve been wanting to post pictures of my bedroom for awhile, each morning I would wake up and tell myself, “today is the day I photograph my bedroom.” And then things like catching up on my Hulu shows that are admitted horrible and a total timesuck (Revolution??? but not my Mindy Project. DON’T you talk about my Mindy..) seemed to always get in the way. Fact, I am a total TV slut there isn’t much I won’t watch. Seriously, Siberia anyone?

Today though, oh glorious today, the stars and sunlight aligned allowing me to tidy and photograph my room. Still have a few projects to complete, but I’m pretty happy with the progress I’ve made on my little purple house in only three months. My bedroom is definitely one of my more finished rooms. I love waking up in here, with the sun brightly filling every nook and cranny, my crisp down comforter and oh my gosh, my mattress. It’s exactly what I want a mattress to be like. Plush and heavenly. My bed and mattress are my first big purchase since being a single person and let me just say that I freaking deserve this. It’s been over a year since my husband and I split and I’m still not used to sleeping alone but having a bed I’m totally in love with helps ease the ache. Also, so does bebe. He spent the night in my bed last night and I woke up laying completely parallel with the headboard and Beckett smushed in the middle. My head and feet hanging off of the bed and all. Oh, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Now, let me introduce you to a good ol’ fashioned photobomb.

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These are the adorable but pesky little tables from Target. You know how they always have those oh so cute and oh so tiny tables at the stores in their rotation. Like what is this? A table for ants? When I lived with the in-laws I needed a small media console, so bought two and shoved them together. Now they just hang out at the end of my bed and are pretty dang useful to throw junk on. But it frustrates me, what else do people use the tiny tables for? It keeps me up at night.

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My curtains are another favorite part of my room. They feel a bit more grand in person.

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Here’s my little reading nook. After I refinished the footstool and chair, I was given this sofa table came to be a perfect little nightstand and tops off the corner nicely. I’m debating putting some rub n buff on it but feel like it might get too washed out. I kind of feel like it helps ground the corner and metallic might be a little overkill… Decisions

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I created this yellow painting during one episode of the X-Files. The canvas used to be some cheap $30 art and I didn’t care for it so I painted over it. Free art and I’m so happy with the way it came out. I especially love the break from the blue and green. And I LOVE the blue and green.
UntitledThis little table has traveled so much with me and it’s one of those things I never want to get rid of. You can’t tell from this picture, but those books are calling Beckett’s name right now. They pretty much do all of the time and if he is close enough, he answers the call and spreads them out in the room as much as he possible can so that I can clean them up every. single. day.
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Ah, my two dollar mirror. And I can’t say “two dollars” without thinking about Better Off Dead. I love that movie. The mirror though, is from the ReStore and thats how much I paid for it. The only thing I’ve done to it is stick a glass knob in it’s knobless hole.UntitledUntitled

My bedroom kind of reads like a Target catalog. It accounts for about half of the stuff in here. My accessories have all been thrifted from around the house and I keep it like this all the time, meaning I didn’t just stage things for the pictures. Beckett has a passion for putting things inside the coral on the bottom of the nightstand (socks, hole punches, lipgloss and books are all found inside there from time to time), and ripping out the books on the tiny table, other than that he leaves mommy’s things alone.

Can I just gush a little more about how I love my room? Sometimes it’s not just the decor, but what that space signifies. After a year of living at my in laws and bringing my newborn home to somebody else’s house it feels pretty fantastic to have a house that belongs to me. To have a room that is exactly how I want it to be. To paint exactly how I want to paint. To move furniture around on a whim because I can. I’ve got my roots put down here and ready for what comes next.

Tiny Love

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I’m having one of those moments that I am so hopelessly in love with Beckett that every movement he makes leaves me inches from bursting into tears.

Maybe it’s the way he so skillfully replaces the monkey paci in his mouth for his sippy cup and then back to the paci.
Maybe it’s the way he climbs me like a ladder when I’m sitting in bed with the heel of his foot press firmly into my jugular to reach whatever hidden treasures he is convinced exists at the top of the headboard.
Maybe it’s the way he dive bombs on my laptop and expects me to catch him when he gives up on the mythical headboard treasures.
Maybe it’s the way he patters around the house waving a paintbrush and brushing the walls just like his mommy.
Or maybe it’s his power of persuasion when he brings me items he deems important and grunts and squeals until I too have accepted the items importance by taking new ownership of said item.

Whatever it is, I’m totally hooked.

New Kicks

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I bought B some moccasins to appease my hipster baby. He was so curious about these fringy things on his feet. Poking, prodding and parading these new little shoes. Taking them off to see how they feel between his teeth then trying to put his little cinderella slippers back on.

My heart just swells when I see this bebe. He usually goes to bed fairly early around 6 which leaves a lot of grown up/awake time without baby. It’s great for getting things done, but  after a little bit I start to miss him, like really miss him. Without fail, I end up laying in bed looking at every picture I’ve ever taken of him. I start with the most recent and work my way backwards. Some nights I make it all the way back to his hospital pictures from the day he was born. By that time, my heart is in shambles. A physical ache from the thought of missing that sweet baby. Desperately, I stare at the baby monitor, pining to hear that baby wake up so that I can sweep him away to cuddle me. I think I need the cuddles more than he does. It’s been over a year and I’m still not used to the lonely nights and empty bed. Oh, but I love that tiny human so much that any of my sadness is lifted when he is around.

There’s nothing creeping about the way I love you, bebe. Except for the way I stare at you when you’re sleeping. And that video camera I’ve hidden in your bedroom so I can watch you anytime I want. And the photos, oh the photos, that I take of you when you’re not looking. And how you’re always running through my mind.

Nope, there’s nothing creepy about the way I love you, Beckett.

Together Forever: Part 2

A little over a month ago, I wrote the first part of this post dumping out the state of my marriage for the whole internet world to see. Well, I guess it’s time to write the followup.

It’s not very often that something so unequivocally ends as something new begins. There are the obvious milestones: graduations, marriage, babies, but those are the celebratory things. I’m talking about the events you don’t plan for or even remotely hope for. For me, it was the night before I was scheduled to close on my new house. I had been so anxious about the whole deal, wondering if it would fall through, paranoid about something popping up on my credit report and just an overwhelming sense of dread like something was going to happen. And it did. Sort of.

After a rough time getting and staying asleep, there it was at one o’clock in the morning. The clarity I’ve been needing delivered to me via text message. Caleb had officially crossed back over to the “dark side”. He was clearly using again. Drugs, alcohol, at that point it doesn’t even matter. The details aren’t even important, but I almost didn’t get to close on my house since I was driving around town all day trying to find him so that he could sign the closing papers. (We’re still legally married, so it is required for both of us to sign.) He knew he was needed that day, but apparently he had vacated the state of mind that makes it possible for rational thoughts to exist.

I finally got the papers signed making the house officially mine. As I drove away from the title company I was completely conflicted- devastated, excited, relieved, and just plain old fashioned heartbroken.  I have to say goodbye to a husband. And not just that. My best friend. My son’s father. The person I was so convinced in my mind that I would spend forever with. Like, forever. I was committed. It sadly comes to a point when his decisions crossover too much onto my life. In order to provide the best life for my son, I have to separate us from it.

Divorce is hard but it is overwhelmingly difficult to see a person someone you love and hold so dearly standing right in front of you, but not even present. Friends and family of addicts know, it reaches a point where that person you know ceases to exist, that they are just, lost. The spirit, or essence of that person you know if so completely buried, they have convinced themselves that it never even existed. It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch the deterioration. I moved past the anger a long time ago. His actions are maddening, but I see it as complete desperation on his part. There is something so void inside him that he is either trying to fill or run from. There is an inability to cope and that is what drives me nuts. Why are some people so seemingly inept at coping? Why did he get the short straw when it comes to handling emotions? It’s just another of life’s quandary that will never have a formal answer.

On that day, I had full realization that our marriage would end the same day I bought my house. The one I hoped he could get to live in, the three of us, a happy little family. It’s just me and Beckett now, moving on as best we can.

Divorce, officially filed. Heart, officially broken.

Life Update: A NEW Sale Pending

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What a difference three months makes. I sold my other house at the end of April and back then, had no idea I would already be buying another. Before I dig into the house… A quick update on the rest of my life:

  • My husband has been clean for six full months. A rather big accomplishment.
  • Still separated. The past few days I have felt a push to give it one really good chance again and submit myself to a lot of prayer.
  • One year mark of living with my in-laws. Rather, living AT my in-laws house. They recently bought a new house somewhat unexpectedly and moved into it a few weeks ago.
  • I have a beautiful, healthy, smiley, squeaky 11 month old boy, Beckett!
  • I’m down to 5! Postpartum pounds to lose. Now I need to really try to lose the rest.
  • I’m back to working full time, but mostly from home. It turned out a blessing in disguise. I wasn’t getting any PTO or holidays working part so it just makes sense to work full time since I will be supporting myself on a single income for my house.
  • Sold the old house for a decent price.
  • This one may be my favorite! Paid off everything we owed! Over $16,000 worth of debt, gone! More on that later.
  • Bleached my hair. Last time I announce I just dyed it brown, well I had the itch again, scratched it and it turned platinum. I’m loving it. Except for how dang fast hair grows and how dark my roots are.

So good. I got all of that out of the way. Now lets peek at my new house! I know most people are super cautious about posting their house before it’s “official”. Screw that, no one is reading this blog yet anyway.

It was a former foreclosure, bought and fixed by investors whom I’m buying it from. It is a stately 1207 square feet in the absolute, most perfect location. Two miles from work and smack dab in the middle of B’s grandparents houses (My parents and my in-laws). Having house hunted before almost four years ago, I knew it is not as much fun as it sounds. I knew that when you see the house you want, you don’t hesitate. You snatch it up. Plus, the Tulsa real estate market it doing pretty well and houses, especially in my price range are getting dibs called on them left and right. When we finally listed our first house with a realtor, we had an offer in less than a week. I guess it’s all about exposure.

So I was driving through this neighborhood trying to find a different house I had seen online and drove by this home in the process. I slowed a little and made a mental note to look it up when I had the chance. When I looked it up, I noticed that I had seen house online before. I recognized the blue tile in the bathroom, it stood out to me the first time, but put it out of my mind because it was SO small. How could anyone live like that, I thought. 1200sf is one thing, but a 1200 THREE bedroom, TWO bath is another. I assumed they would have closets for rooms and the world’s tiniest living room. It had two things going for it, location and the price. It was considerable less than my max comfort zone. So I made my mom call the realtor spoken like a true adult and scheduled a showing for later that afternoon. When I walked through the house, it wasn’t an immediate connection but rather a gradual realization of yeah, this could work... I was pleasantly surprised by the layout, high living room ceilings, WALK IN CLOSET (in all my life, I have never NOT had a walk in closet. How privileged of me. It’s one of those things that mean so much to me.) a spacious enough master bedroom and what I think is cute master bathroom tile. I made a second showing the next day and brought more family with me. Later that evening, I had an offer made and agreed on by the seller. Now, I’m just waiting for closing only a few days away!

No that’s out of the way, let’s take a little tour on what I’ve been lovingly calling “My Little Cottage”.

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THE EXTERIOR – Could use a little clean up in the yard, but has a nice fresh coat of paint in a color that is so totally ME.
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THE ENTRY – To the right of the front door still on the tiled platform is the door to the garage. See the living room picture below.
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LIVING ROOM – One of the first things being painted is the wood. It’s going white, duh.
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DINING ROOM – Do you see all of that purple? I’m still scratching my head wondering what they were thinking… It’s everywhere.
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KITCHEN – Small, but efficient. I’ve already got my appliances on hold. I loved that they chose subway tile to put in there. I would love to open this up someday in the future. Rip open that stupid ceiling and connect a bit more to the living room.
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MASTER BEDROOM – Pretty comparable to my last bedroom, it could comfortably fit a king, but I want a queen size.
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MASTER CLOSET – Small, but effective! There is shelving behind the corner on the left.
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MASTER BATH – The blue tile is not working with that purple, but I’ll fix it soon enough!
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HALLWAY  – to bedrooms 1 and 2. The folding doors on the left are the laundry room the first door on the right is the guest bath.
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GUEST BATH
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BEDROOMS 1 & 2  – or “Corners 1 & 2” since there isn’t much to look at.
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BACKYARD – Considerably more space than I had before. I can’t wait for Beckett to play out there!
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So that’s enough words and pictures, I’m getting so antsy to sign the papers and pick up a paint brush…