A little over a month ago, I wrote the first part of this post dumping out the state of my marriage for the whole internet world to see. Well, I guess it’s time to write the followup.
It’s not very often that something so unequivocally ends as something new begins. There are the obvious milestones: graduations, marriage, babies, but those are the celebratory things. I’m talking about the events you don’t plan for or even remotely hope for. For me, it was the night before I was scheduled to close on my new house. I had been so anxious about the whole deal, wondering if it would fall through, paranoid about something popping up on my credit report and just an overwhelming sense of dread like something was going to happen. And it did. Sort of.
After a rough time getting and staying asleep, there it was at one o’clock in the morning. The clarity I’ve been needing delivered to me via text message. Caleb had officially crossed back over to the “dark side”. He was clearly using again. Drugs, alcohol, at that point it doesn’t even matter. The details aren’t even important, but I almost didn’t get to close on my house since I was driving around town all day trying to find him so that he could sign the closing papers. (We’re still legally married, so it is required for both of us to sign.) He knew he was needed that day, but apparently he had vacated the state of mind that makes it possible for rational thoughts to exist.
I finally got the papers signed making the house officially mine. As I drove away from the title company I was completely conflicted- devastated, excited, relieved, and just plain old fashioned heartbroken. I have to say goodbye to a husband. And not just that. My best friend. My son’s father. The person I was so convinced in my mind that I would spend forever with. Like, forever. I was committed. It sadly comes to a point when his decisions crossover too much onto my life. In order to provide the best life for my son, I have to separate us from it.
Divorce is hard but it is overwhelmingly difficult to see a person someone you love and hold so dearly standing right in front of you, but not even present. Friends and family of addicts know, it reaches a point where that person you know ceases to exist, that they are just, lost. The spirit, or essence of that person you know if so completely buried, they have convinced themselves that it never even existed. It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch the deterioration. I moved past the anger a long time ago. His actions are maddening, but I see it as complete desperation on his part. There is something so void inside him that he is either trying to fill or run from. There is an inability to cope and that is what drives me nuts. Why are some people so seemingly inept at coping? Why did he get the short straw when it comes to handling emotions? It’s just another of life’s quandary that will never have a formal answer.
On that day, I had full realization that our marriage would end the same day I bought my house. The one I hoped he could get to live in, the three of us, a happy little family. It’s just me and Beckett now, moving on as best we can.
Divorce, officially filed. Heart, officially broken.